


Love in Space

by varenoea2



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-06 19:16:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/varenoea2/pseuds/varenoea2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The earth has blown up. Hooray, thinks Ford. Now he has Arthur all to himself! If only Arthur could understand...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Seduction

Arthur was having a hard time falling asleep. He still hadn’t digested the realization that his home planet was gone, vanished forever. Familiar things kept running through his head, people, objects, places and the feeling attached to them. No more Earth. Ever.

 

And just when he thought he had finally calmed down a bit, the door to his bedroom slid open, sighing happily, and Ford came in for a visit.

“I just wanted to see how you’re taking it”, he said brightly. 

“Badly”, said Arthur. “I was trying to sleep.”

Ford nodded. “I couldn’t sleep for a week after Betelgeuse was destroyed. Well, I wasn’t there to see it, but it depressed me anyway.”

“How would you feel if you were the last one of your species?” asked Arthur hopelessly while Ford sat down on the bed beside him. “There are other Betelgeusians, aren’t there?”

“Zaphod and me. That’s all.”

“And he’s male too. Means you have to hit it off with aliens, or stay alone.” Arthur laughed bitterly.

Ford liked to hit it off with aliens, and he was tempted to mention that he had probably hit it off with more human women than Arthur, but a rare flash of insight made him change the subject. “It’s not as if you have a chance to save your species”, he said. “The only human female alive is Trillian, and she’s taken.”

Arthur’s eyes widened when he became aware of this perspective.

“Although I’m sure Zaphod wouldn’t mind you nipping off with her”, continued Ford. “He’s pretty keen on you himself.”

Arthur’s brain tried to flee out of his ear. “That was a joke, wasn’t it?”

“Yes”, answered Ford, just to see what would happen.

“Thank God”, sighed Arthur and turned around to leave.

“No, it wasn’t”, added Ford quickly. “That last bit was a joke, about it being a joke, but the original was no joke.”

“Not?”

“No. I’m dead serious. Anyway, it’s not all bad. There’s an upside to things you didn’t even suspect.”

“Is there?”

“Yes, and it goes like this: Arthur, I’m in love with you.”

“Ah.”

“I have loved you since the day I first met you. All those years. That’s why you’re the only human that I wanted to take with me.”

“Ford”, said Arthur slowly, “couldn’t you just have taken a few more people with you?”

“I pour my heart out to you, and you just plain ignore it!” cried Ford out reproachfully.

Arthur, who already felt like a lamb in a herd of sex-crazed wolves, shook his head incredulously. “Oh, sorry. The Earth is gone, we get captured by big green aliens who read poetry at us, and the girl I used to fancy is going out with the President of the Galaxy! Who has three arms and two heads! Excuse me if I’m not giving your declaration enough attention!”

“It’s alright”, Ford soothed him seriously. “You must be so confused.”

Arthur felt that he had to sit down for a moment, and did on the large, luxuriously warm cushion that formed the bed. “I never thought you were gay”, he said weakly.

Ford, who wasn’t gay because that would have made his sex life quite monotonous, sat down beside his friend. “Look, Arthur. There are some things you need to open your mind about, here in space. Who you have sex with, for example. You have almost unlimited freedom. Imagine: almost all alien species are genetically so different from you that you can’t get anybody pregnant. More, even their STDs don’t match your organism! Sex in space is freedom and fun and totally pointless.”

Arthur didn’t look much happier, so Ford continued: “You wouldn’t believe how many species I’ve already done it with. It’s a freedom you have to get used to. And it’s a currency, of course, in a tight spot!” Seeing Arthur’s face, he wished he hadn’t said that last sentence.

“You mean you’ve had to sleep with… tentacled green aliens… to save your life?” asked Arthur in a thin voice. 

“It’s not that bad”, protested Ford, who in fact got a kick out of sleeping with people who were about to kill him.

“Oh Ford”, said Arthur and looked ready to break down in tears.

“Let’s not talk about it”, suggested Ford brightly and patted Arthur’s back. “Hey, this will cheer you up: my cock is blue. Every time I had a fling on Earth, I had to pretend to be shy and turn off the light!”

Arthur’s face went from dismay to absolute horror.

“It’s also got ridges on the upper side, the ladies liked that a lot”, Ford burbled cheerfully. “But even with the lights off, you can still hear the sounds it makes.”

“Sounds?!”

“Yeah. Little bell sounds when I’m getting there. Can’t be helped. I always turned off the light and turned very loud music on instead. Are you staying here tonight?”

“Well, no”, protested Arthur. “Sorry, but this whole thing doesn’t work for me. I’m not into men.”

“Maybe you just had bad men before”, said Ford and leaned in close. “Give it another chance, eh?”

“I’ve never had any men at all”, explained Arthur, his voice just a bit too high and excited.

Ford widened his eyes. “Then how do you know this doesn’t work?”

Ford’s arm around him was possessive, but it was also nice and warm and comforting. Too comforting. Arthur shifted out of Fords arms and tried desperately to change the topic. “Ford, have you ever slept with Zaphod?”

“Arthur! He’s my cousin!” said Ford, pounced at Arthur, and laid him flat on his back on the large, comfortable bed. Arthur barely had time to register that saying “he’s my cousin” is not the same thing as saying “no”.

He struggled upward, but Ford was lying on his chest and talking wildly at him. “Oh, Arthur, Arthur, give this a chance! I love you so much. I’d be so good to you, I’d make you happy! Trust me.”

“Don’t promise the Earth to me”, Arthur heard himself say, confused by the pleasant feelings that came over him. He should feel crowded, threatened, maybe molested – but somehow he felt safe with Ford. And up close, Ford also smelled quite nice – since when did a male smell turn Arthur on? How could he like this? Was this magic, or was this just a side he hadn’t known about himself?

Ford put one finger on Arthur’s chin. “Let’s make a deal. One kiss. If you like it, we’ll go on. If you don’t, we’ll forget that it ever happened.”

“Fine”, Arthur heard himself say. Just what did Ford mean by “we’ll go on”? 

But he had no time to think about it. Ford held Arthur’s head between his hands and pressed their lips together, and Arthur felt his body respond almost immediately. This was a new kind of kiss, with Ford’s stubble scratching at his chin and cheeks, but not unpleasant at all. Arthur had been kissed in a rough and demanding way by women before, but here he was positively being manhandled. And it was not bad at all. Ford’s fingers ran over his ribcage and sent shivers all over his skin. Without noticing it, Arthur put his hands around Ford’s body, clawed into his jacket and pulled him in closer. Only when he began to run out of air, he broke the kiss; by now his heart was throbbing, and he was not at all sure that this couldn’t convince him to try and have sex with a man.

“What happens now?” he gasped. “You’ll have to walk me through this, Ford, I don’t know what to do.”

Ford’s hands were under his body now, and cupping his buttocks roughly. “I’d like to start here”, he grunted and squeezed. Arthur shivered. There were ideas in his head he hadn’t found sexy since one very confused phase during his teenage years.

But hell, why not? On this insane day, even getting buggered would feel reassuringly normal.


	2. Sex in Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In... out... in... out...

Thirty minutes later Arthur was still horizontal. His calves were vertical, but they were upside down, and his ankles beside Ford’s ears. Looking at the ceiling, Arthur was beginning to wonder what had gotten him into this position. His cock was throbbing in a nice way, his arse was throbbing in an ambiguous way, and he hadn’t yet decided if he liked getting buggered after all.

Ford, his face between Arthur’s feet, was sweating as if he was doing hard work, but found enough breath to tell Arthur how happy he was about the way things had turned out; if the Earth hadn’t blown up, after all, he would not have made his love declaration, and they would now not be here, making love.

Arthur, on the other hand, had to come to terms with the unfamiliar territory that was his body. Ford was experienced and considerate, and the penetration hadn’t hurt as much as Arthur had feared at first. He tugged at his erection, just to see if it would do anything if provoked, but he still couldn’t see how this would get him close to orgasm. 

“Not good?” panted Ford. “Hang on.” He grabbed Arthur’s hips and canted them upward.

Arthur, whose knees were now close to his own ears, made a protesting sound. This wasn’t very comfortable. 

Suddenly, he heard an ethereal little sound, like that of a finger running along the rim of a wine glass. Then another one just like it joined in. Too fascinated to concentrate on the sex any more, Arthur listened.

Ford cursed under his breath and then held absolutely still. Slowly, the bright sound subsided.

“Those were your, erm, announcing bells?” asked Arthur, who had decided to be unimpressed by anything this day could throw at him.

“Yeeah”, breathed Ford. “Just a moment… I need to…”

After another few deep breaths, he had apparently cooled down, and began to thrust again. This time, he pushed into a different spot of Arthur’s anatomy, and Arthur felt a dull pressure rise in his abdomen. It did not feel bad at all. In fact, it was a rather pleasant, thick, crowded feeling inside him. And it got stronger with every thrust. Listening into his body, awestruck by this new feeling, Arthur lay there with his mouth open. He hardly dared to move. 

“Ford”, he whispered in a broken voice, “I think that’s good, keep going!”

Ford flashed him a manic grin and went to work with even more vigour than before. 

Arthur’s hand was on his cock before he had time to think thoughts like “Oh look, this could get me off!” or “What if my mother could see me now?” He tried his hardest to keep his position, so he wouldn’t lose the angle. Within less than a minute, he was shaken and rocked into open-mouthed ecstasy. It was so good, he thought he could hear bells ring – then remembered that the bells were real – and he felt Ford’s cock thicken and tingle. Gasping a helpless prayer to no-one in particular, Arthur came over his fingers. And if he had been unsure before, he now knew that a cock up his arse was a nice thing that felt very, very good inside him as he came.

The bells came to a desperate crescendo, and then Ford gasped a few times and collapsed on top of Arthur. “Oh Zarqon, that was brilliant!” he wheezed.

Arthur didn’t say anything. He was busy catching his breath.

Ford grabbed Arthur’s face between his hands and kissed him very passionately on the lips. And now a thing occurred that Arthur, despite having become callous after all of today’s surprises, was completely unprepared for: his heart missed a beat and was flooded by a heat wave as hot as nine suns. Ford’s lips felt more delicious than anything he had ever tasted. The heat spread into Arthur’s belly, legs, fingers, even into his head, and exploded on his mouth. 

Oh dear, was all he could think. I never had it this bad.

He was, beyond any doubt, terribly in love, and it confused him badly. He was now not just a bruised, disoriented, homeless space traveller who had earned the right to several nervous breakdowns in just one day; he was also a space traveller who had fallen in love, with a man no less, who was an alien as well, and who had given him a sore and sickly un-tight-feeling rear end. In other words: not only had the earth been blown up, but Arthur himself felt challenged in his comfortable identity. It would have been nice if he had been allowed to keep at least that one a little longer.

Ford pulled the cover over both of them, but Arthur struggled free. “I need to drink some water”, he said, pulled his clothes back on and hurried outside. The door sighed as blissfully as if it had been it who had been laid.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betelgeusian sperm has some interesting side effects.

He found Trillian sitting on a couch, munching strange-looking alien fruits, beside the Nutri-Matic. 

“Hey”, he said, and she smiled with her mouth full. Strange how she still looked so good and was such a likable girl, sure, but somehow his interests lay elsewhere. All of a sudden, she just wasn’t what he was after. And this confused him worst of all.

He got his glass of water (shuffling his feet and waddling a bit), and then, by some impulse, he sat down on the couch too.

Trillian swallowed her food and grinned knowingly. Arthur wished he had just gone away. “Zaphod already got his hands on you? That was quick!”

Arthur vibrated with anger.

“It’s just”, Trillian mollified him, “that your walk is giving you away. It’s hard not to notice. Oh, don’t worry, I’m fine with it!” She chuckled. “Whatever he told you.”

“It wasn’t Zaphod”, murmured Arthur. “It was Ford.”

“Ah.” Trillian nodded contentedly. For a moment, she was silent, and then she narrowed her eyes. “You don’t look too good. Is something wrong?”

Arthur stared at the floor. He knew he wasn’t looking good, and he had come here in the fruitless hope of finding someone level-headed to talk to.

Trillian’s worried voice beside his ear asked: “Arthur? Are you okay?” 

While he was still trying to form an answer, Trillian put her hand on his arm and asked gently: “What’s wrong? Come on, tell me.”

“Well…” Arthur almost sobbed, “I… I’m so…”

Trillian raised her voice. “What has he done to you?!”

Arthur saw that he had to say something sensible at this point, or else Trillian would be chasing Ford with a stun gun within another minute. “No! No, he didn’t, I wanted to, it’s just…” Arthur swallowed and continued: “I didn’t know I could be so confused without my head exploding.”

“Sleep on it”, soothed Trillian. 

“Will that make things less confusing?”

“No, but it’ll help you find out how you like them”, said Trillian cheerfully. Then she pulled him up into a hug. She smelled a bit like his mother.

“Ford was really quite sweet”, said Arthur after a while. 

Trillian let him go. “Don’t worry too much. Take one little bite at a time, no more than you can figure out, and chew on it slowly. That helped me a lot when I first joined Zaphod.”

Arthur mulled on this. He was crazy about Ford, that much was certain, but he would rather ingest a Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blaster rectally than face him now. He simply couldn’t look into Ford’s happy weasel face, not with half of his mind hanging right out of his ear.

“Well, on the upside”, he finally said, “there will be no more Mondays.” And then, he fainted.

 

When he woke up, he saw Ford. It was not a face Arthur wanted to wake up to, at least not for another few decades. 

“He’s coming around”, said Ford. 

“It’s the Betelgeusian sperm”, explained Trillian, who gave Arthur a cup of water. “It does that to a human’s system, but your body gets used to it after a couple of times. In the beginning, I always passed out after being with Zaphod. He thought it was because he was such a phenomenally good bang that he took my senses away!” She chuckled. “It was a sad day for him when I got immune to it.”

Arthur’s vision was still a bit wonky. “I’d better be off to bed”, he slurred. “If you help me get up.”

Ford made a very vain attempt – wiry little Ford! – to scoop Arthur up in his arms, but Arthur fought back. “I’ll walk. I can walk.” He grabbed Trillians outstretched hand instead and let her pull him up. Then his legs played a mean trick and gave out, but Trillian managed to lean him against a wall. 

“Marvin”, she called. “Do we have anything to transport Arthur to bed on? A cart or something?”

Marvin, who sat in a corner in standby mode, booted up with tantalizing slowness. Finally he lifted his head as if the weight of the entire galaxy was on his shoulders. “You want me to carry that bag of human material?”

“No, Marvin. We want a cart.”

“And me with my rusty diodes in my left side.” 

“Marvin!!”

Marvin came creeping up. “No, never mind, it’s fine. It’ll probably finish me off, that’s all.”

“Oh!” Trillian threw her arms up. “You’re useless! Come on, Arthur.” She put an arm under his and dragged him to the lift. 

“And then my existence won’t bother you any longer”, Marvin whined after them.

Ford stared after them. “Hey”, he said finally. “What’s she doing with my boyfriend?”

“Whatever it is, it must be appalling”, said Marvin, turned around and went back to his corner. 

Ford ran after them, hampered by sighing doors that opened much too slowly.


End file.
